JUMP FORCE: The Abridged Oneshot
by IEA1128
Summary: I really don't like Jump Force, so I made this fanfic. If you do like it, read it anyways. I'm just having fun with it. Taken inspiration from TFS' Episode of Bardock. Self-Insert Fic, because no one asked for it.


**I made this in a day. I don't own Jump Force. And I am proud of that fact.**

* * *

New York City, Times Square. Year: 2019.

Frieza has invaded New York with a giant army of Venoms, laying waste to the city.

"And we won't stop until we get Resurrection 'C'! Right boys and girls?" Frieza clamored, firing a Death Wave at the city. "Oh, cheer up! This is only the second-worst thing to happen to New York! Right next to the nighttime stabbings, of course! Though even that still pales in comparison to my own jockstrap incident-" Frieza was cut off by a kick to the face.

"It's over, Freezer!" Goku exclaimed, in his Super Saiyan state. "This time, I'ma deck you good!" Goku then unleashed a flurry of punches on the tyrant, trying to deck him in the schnoz.

"Come now, monkey, surely, you must be tired of fighting me all these times. Besides, I hear there's a Saiyan on a distant planet called Vampa ready for-" Goku punched Frieza in the nose, resulting with the Frost Demon yelling, "FRICK!" and firing a Death Beam at the Super Saiyan, which he dodged, but in the process, he struck an innocent bystander.

"Aw, Crap Baskets." Goku lamented, turning his back to Frieza.

And thus, the young person caught in the middle of the crossfire, lost their life to the Space Tyrant. And so they lay there, bleeding and dying, Frieza had taken yet another innocent life.

…Or rather, he WOULD have, had there wasn't a term such as marketing! Nobody expects this, but the people who put down their hard-earned cash for this don't care, since the second they see their favorite anime characters in one video game, they'll spend $1000 on it! Hit it, Greg!

**JUMP FORCE ABRIDGED  
(Music: "Thanks For The Money, Dummy (REMIX)" – DarksydePhil)**

* * *

"Guh!" You shout, shooting up from the bed. You look around, seeing not a lot of things around you other than the bed you were sleeping on. "Oh God, what happened last night?" You rubbed the back of your head. "One minute, I'm going around looking for a partner to go to my parents' house with, then, I'm being shot by a white alien." You stepped outside the room to see a lot of different people, most of whom were dressed like Trunks, from Dragon Ball.

"Where am I? Is this hell? Is this an anime convention? Is this an anime convention IN hell? Because if it is… they did some wrong shit… like Pedophilia." you wondered to yourself, looking around where you were. "This looks almost like the Avengers' base… only… really shittier. Which does and doesn't make a lot of sense, since the last thing I saw before dying was a pink beam piercing me in the chest."

"Hello there!"

"Dah!" you shouted. You were startled.

"Allow me to introduce myself. I am TotallyNotNickFury." The bald gentleman proclaimed, introducing himself with a bow. "You were brought back to life by Trunks, who stuck a cube inside you."

"…Where?" you asked, narrowing your eyes.

"Hello, I am Trunks! I am the director's assistant! I hate Androids!" Trunks introduced, somewhat woodenly.

"Hello. I am Goku. I like food. And fighting. But mostly food." Goku said, in the same wooden tone.

"I am Luffy, and I also like food. I want to be Food of the Foodrates." Luffy added, standing awkwardly, with his eyes in his 'angry' mode for some reason.

"I am Naruto. I am- Ramen- Ramen- Ramen- Ramen- Ramen- Ramen- Hokage." Naruto proclaimed, glitching out.

"Tch!" you said, visibly disgusted.

"Now, then, you can join one of 3 factions: Team Alpha, run by Goku, Beta run by Luffy, and Gamma by Naruto. Which will you pick?" TotallyNotNickFury asked.

You crossed your arms, with a twitch of your eye, beginning to speak, "There is nothing about this whole scenario that doesn't make me so disgusted and drunk with rage that I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs. I despise the bastardization of these characters that I know and love so intensely that I can't tell if my vision is blurry from my near-death experience or from my unforgiving rage. If allowed, once I am done doing what I need to do here, I will behead you and your shameless copies with an honest-to-god smile on my face, and then proceed to paint the home I build with your bodies with your motherfucking blood."

TotallyNotNickFury blinked, saying, "Okay, Team Alpha it is!"

"I love food!" Goku proclaimed.

* * *

"Vegeta is in trouble!" Luffy flatly proclaimed.

"Oh no!" Goku underwhelmingly exclaimed.

"He's evil again!" Trunks flatly shouted.

"You, go with them!" TotallyNotNickFury ordered.

"Uh, did you not miss the part about me getting shot in the MOTHERFUCKING CHEST?" you said, motioning to your wound.

"But look, you're the strongest of all of us here!" Goku weirdly proclaimed.

"…Aren't you a Super Saiyan Blue, tho?"

"No time to talk! Go over there!" TotallyNotNickFury ordered.

* * *

"OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW? YO' ASS BETTER CALL **SOMEBODY!**" one of the generic villains said, spitting out water, and talking into a microphone. "OH HELL YEAH! IT'S ME, IT'S ME, IT'S THAT V-E, NOM-E! RIDING ONCE AGAIN WITH THE HBIC's!"

Just then, you, Trunks, and Goku showed up on the scene. "Hey! Get Vegeta off of whatever it is you did to him! Who else am I gonna eat food with?"

"I swear to god, _Super_ did a better service to your character." You snarked.

"OH YEAH, WELL, WATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN VENOMANIA RUNS WILD ON-" one of the Mooks began to speak, before you beat them all to a pulp, breaking one of their necks in the process.

"And that, is how you get shit done." You proclaimed, dusting off your hands.

*insert Vegeta doing his dance… thing.*

"We gotta help Vegeta! This is gonna be tough!" Goku said. All of a sudden, you chopped Vegeta in the neck, and he went down.

"Again, get shit done." You proudly said.

"Get the Cube!" Trunks called out, getting the cube out of Vegeta's ass.

* * *

TotallyNotNickFury smiled, saying, "Welcome to the Jump Force, Vegeta."

"I AM THE PRINCE OF CYANS!" Vegeta shouted.

"You sure are, best buddy!" Goku complemented.

* * *

You sat in your room, thinking to yourself. _"Okay. I got shot in the chest last night. Which made me almost die. But I didn't die. I lived. And I was granted with the ability to live, and be more powerful than any existing Shonen Jump character… and if that's the case… then maybe… this is a-"_

"**EXCUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEEE SIIIIIIIIRRRRR!**" a boy shouted.

"And there goes my train of thought!" you snarled.

"**WE HEAAAAAAAAAAAARD THAT YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU HAD ALMOST DIIIIIIIIIED, SO ME AND IIIIIIIIIIIZUUUUUUUUKUUUUUU MAAAAAAAAAAAAADE YOU A GIIIIIIIFT BASKEEEEEEEEEET!**" the boy shouted once more.

"It's filled with *sniff* All Might memorabilia and pictures of *sob sob* Sister Lily, Asta's caretaker." Izuku cried.

"I don't care about pictures of a busty nun or superhero bulges. But keep the basket here."

"*sniff* But-" Izuku began.

"LEAVE THE BASKET HERE!" you shouted, scaring them off. "I swear to god, once I learn the Hakai, I'll destroy this entire base."

* * *

"Hi, I'm Light Imagay. I'm a normal, unsuspecting human-"

"Aren't you dead?" you asked.

"…What?"

"Yeah, you died, at the end of your series."

"No, I didn't, moving on! Now-"

"Oh, hey, look! It's Ryuk! Hey Ryuk! Wassup?"

No response.

"What, no quips? No lines? No spoken dialogue because the people behind this were too cheap to get you to speak a few lines, or just find a new guy entirely?"

"Okay, meeting's over, goodbye!" Light said, quickly walking off. _"If my Death Note didn't work for some reason, I'd definetly write their name down."_

* * *

[meanwhile, at the villains' hideout]

Frieza, Cell, Blackbeard, Kaguya, DIO, Younger Toguro, as well as Shishio, are all sitting at a roundtable. None of them are saying a word. Until…

"So… what are we even doing in this game again? Because, we've done literally fuck-all." Cell asked.

"Sell copies, I guess." Shishio replied.

"So… why is SHE here?" Younger Toguro asked, pointing to Kaguya.

"*sigh*… I miss Storm 4… plus, I need money, and Pixiv artists use me for... unspeakable things. Things I get no revenue for" Kaguya lamented.

"At least you all got to fight." DIO remarked. "I only show up twice! TWICE! And not ONCE do I fight! And I was one of the most requested characters, too!"

More silence.

"…So who wants to catch these hands in Super Dragon Ball Heroes?" Frieza asked, taking out his Nintendo Switch.

* * *

"Alright! Now that I'm fully recovered, time for me to find Beerus, and learn the Hakai." You proclaimed.

TotallyNotNickFury caught up with you, saying, "We need your help!"

"Goddamnit, what now?"

"Times Square is in trouble! There are mysterious characters attacking it!" TotallyNotNickFury explained.

"…Why is that place so popular?"

"You don't understand! They've come to eliminate the Jump Heroes! This could be the end of the J-World!"

"T-The _what?_" you asked, incredulously.

"The J-World!"

"_But if they're from the J-World, and I'm from the real world, and I was brought back to life ridiculously overpowered, then-"_ then an explosion went off. "Fuck! There it goes again!"

* * *

"Hello! I am Galez27!" the Not-Towa clone spoke, raising her staff.

"Hey. I'm AnimeKajay. Sup?" the Hit-Cell-Thanos-Mira copy spoke.

"We are here to murderdeathkill the heroes of the Jump worlds! And there is nobody that can stop u-!" Galez27 spoke, before both she and AnimeKajay were blown up by a stray beam.

"Go back to Xenoverse, you unoriginal fucks." You snarled, putting down your arm.

TotallyNotNickFury began to shake, saying, "You fools! You've been looking at the wrong person this whole time! I am not TotallyNotNickFury! I am TotallyNotJiren! With wings." TotallyNotJiren transformed into a form familiar to… well, Jiren, but blue, and had wings.

"Oh my god! He's blue, and he has the Umbras Book!" Goku proclaimed.

"I thought it was a cube…" you asked, confused.

"And now, there's literally no way we can defeat him!" Goku continued.

"GO! SUPER! SAIYAN! **BLUE!**" You shouted, directly in Goku's ear.

TotallyNotJiren knocked you away, as well as Luffy, Naruto, and Goku. "WAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes! Finally! Now that I have this power, I will rule over the J-Worlds as the ONE! TRUE! GOD!"

"_WAIT! I just got my thought back!" _You thought, collecting the evidence. _"If I died… which led me to coming back to life, stronger than any of the Shonen Jump characters in existence, then maybe… this is…"_

"Hey! Not-Jiren! 'scuse me!" You called out. "What year do you come from, if you don't mind me asking?"

"2769." TotallyNotJiren replied.

"Do you live in the Konosuba house?"

"Live there? Hell, it was the inspiration for the design!"

"_I'm in a fucking Isekai with Shonen Jump characters."_ You thought, and immediately, you snapped, shouting, "OF ALL OF THE MORONIC!" you slammed your head into the ground. "PLOT-WASTING!" you punched the ground. "FAN-FICTION **BULLSHIT**!" you then slammed both your fists into the ground, and a purple aura surrounded you, as you shouted to the heavens. You looked at your form, realizing what had happened. "I… I'm a God of Destruction!"

"Alright! You're a food of foodstruction!" Goku cheered.

"I WILL HAKAI YOU!" you snapped. You charged at TotallyNotJiren, attacking him, kicking him away, and he charged at you, but you grabbed his arms, stopping him. "Please don't break my knees."

You smirked, saying, "No." and you proceeded to break his knees by slamming him into the ground. TotallyNotJiren flew away, saying, "How can you beat me? I'm the most powerful being in existence!"

"Who cares? This is an Isekai." You retorted. "The protag is always overpowered."

"Asshole!" TotallyNotJiren charged at you, and you put up your hand, shouting, "Deus ex Machina!" TotallyNotJiren was completely destroyed, and you smiled to yourself.

* * *

Light picked up a cube, and said, "Now, it's time for the thing everyone was waiting for! I'm finally gonna take up the mantle of the main vill-" Light stopped in the middle of his sentence, before his brains were blown out. Light fell to the ground, you being revealed to have shot him.

"Don't call it a sequel."

And thus, with the defeat of TotallyNotJiren, and the death of Light Imagay, the Jump Force reigned victorious once more. And what of the hero, you ask?

"HAKAI!" you completely destroyed the base, as well as everyone inside of it. "Thank fuck."

And that, boys and girls… is the story…

* * *

"…the story of the Jump Force!" Naruto said, closing the book. "Pretty neat story, huh, Boruto?"

Boruto blinked, asking, "Okay, but can I ask some follow-up questions?"

"Shoot."

"Why didn't Goku go Super Saiyan Blue at all? And why didn't you use your Nine-Tailed Chakra form?"

"I dunno."

"And what was the point of the Jump villains? Other than Frieza, none of them affected or advanced the plot in any way, shape or form."

"I dunno."

"And why was Light even there? The story seemed to be hinting at something big for him, but it never came. He was just overshadowed by the Xenoverse knock-offs."

"Yeah, that plot thread kinda got lost somewhere, so I ended up just cutting it off entirely."

"I'm sorry, Dad, but nothing in this story this makes any sense." Boruto reaffirmed.

"Well, the truth is, Boruto… none of this is real." Naruto told his son.

"…What?"

"None of this is actually happening."

Boruto tilted his head, asking, "What are you talking abou-"

* * *

"Huh?" Boruto opened his eyes, realizing that everything was all a dream. As soon as he sat up from his bed, he saw Mitsuki staring at him, which weirded him out. The two stared at each other some more, before Mitsuki spoke,

"Go back to sleep, Boruto."

* * *

**Well. That was a thing.**


End file.
